Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in bonniekitfixer's LiveJournal:

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Friday, June 20th, 2008
10:24 pm	ok well...I had a sunburn. and then it peeled...and then I burnt the new skin after that. ok...so....... that created like a serious burn, almost like fire touched my skin, and now my right arm has a lot of scarring. Brutally stupid. I wouldnt be surprised if I had skin cancer. I never feel like writing anything. We had a big storm today, I got wet running through the yard to check on the bunnies, they were perfectly snug and dry. Raleigh is a big time sissy, she was glued to my ass the wholes storm. I love her. mens' gymnastics is really lame to watch. This kid isn't. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 26th, 2007
8:57 pm	hormones will be the death of me. I picked up the phone.. then i could have kicked myself in the ass. I remember what was said to me..and why I can't continue knowing this person. sometimes it feels like the only important thing. Then I realize it cant be. I hope I feel better soon. I hope I dont cave back to doormatt/ easy money status. I've had a lump in the bottom of my foot forever, i think it's a knot or something. It hurt so bad walking today. I did however....do the most perfect haircut today. other than that..im still sickly tired. I need to do something fun...but everytime I think of doing something really great.I think of Phil being there with me..and I hate it so much it's making me bitter. it will get better. Current Music: High Tone (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
9:28 pm	I feel a fucking mess. I wish I had insurance so I could go see a doctor. I am scared to death about shit I heard about the depo shot, and it fucking people up. I also would like to have kids, and it says that you may have to wait a year or so until the medicine is out of your system. I hope it doesnt do anything in the long run. I have it running through my system for nothing. It's made me feel vulnerable. I have thoughts of my woman parts never working again, and my bones wasting away. it's making me moody...it's making me ravenously hungry. I cant ride my bike long enough to stop thinking about food. I don't know how I got away from myself. I dont understand what the problem is...I hardley ever eat. People tell me that I never seem to eat enough, but Im still carrying weight. When I was younger I went for all kinds of testing because i was grossly skinny, and I felt like shit after i ate something. I'd eat half a sandwich and need to lie on the couch. I wonder if I am really screwed up or if im just lazy and making excuses. I'll just ride my bike farther tomorrow. also..my client brought me friendship bread today. She said it takes 10 days to make. that was very nice of her. I took it in the back and watched everyone eat it, and the rest I passed on to my other clients for them to eat while they were getting their pedicures done. I still feel sick. We went to the fair last night. Patti talked me into riding the rides. we went on the zipper and then we rode speed. this ride... it was really fun. We kept flipping all over the place. For a good 5 seconds I saw nothing but blue sky and my legs being tossed like a doll. I thought I could possibly die, thinking about how shitty those fair rides are assembled. I saw my mom walking around the fair with her little oxygen tank strapped to her back..I stopped to talk to her and felt crazy sad that she was alone. Sometimes she talks about nothing just to have a conversation, and I really hope she finds someone so she doesn't pass away this way. I've squashed 3 spiders on my ceiling so far today. I've managed to know every noisey part in my house, every creaky step to avoid so that I could sneak around downstairs without being detected and run right back up to my room without conversation. I miss not talking to my dad anymore, but that prying cunt will break her neck to get her ears in tune with anything said to him. I just cant stand to see her face...so I dont. over the weekend Jess and I went out into the woods and lay down on the ground in leaves and took a little talk/nap. the weather was beautiful. she said she loves the smell of leaves...i put one right to my nose and didnt actually care for it. It reminds me of maple syrup...which I hate. and oranges too. so p.s. if you ever wanna get on my good side do not make me a breakfast of pancakes and orange juice. I hate french toast also. I did make brussel sprouts tonight. Iam running out of shit to say. I being bitchy and rawfully honest about everything. I wish I had someone important in my life to ride the hayrides and cuddle with this year. I've never had that..I have always had summer relationships. that means no nice hayrides and no vantine's day gifts...EVER. what a fucking bummer. I tried on Elaines engagement ring today...it was beautiful. it fit me perfect. I am not ready for that shit yet. it was cool to look at it though. o well, enjoy some kid christmas videos. they are a little hard to make it...but I love them. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 24th, 2007
12:34 am	I feel so tired and sick, like I could throw up. I hate that the work week takes so much out of me that I need to spend the weekend recuperating. Thursday was the longest day ever....10-8, and the scheduled me no breaks what so ever. Then i had to drag my ass in there 2 more days. I still feel like shit. Besides all this, the Bloomsburg fair is going on and I'd really like to go. I think I am going with some friends tomorrow. Jess and I took a pretty good bike ride today. We went to the boat dock. When I am on the road, on my 10 speed it's a pretty easy ride but today I took the trails there on my mountain bike. it took longer and was so much harder. I don't know how I feel about trail riding anymore. We did come across an old cemetery all dilapidated where people were buried in the 1800's. It was some sort of veteran cemetery...and jess wasn;t paying attention, there was one of those little american flags with the pointy end sticking out from a tree, an it poked her right in the neck...it had to suck..she just had a decent scratch though. We did take pics at the dock, but loading them to photobucket and sticking them here feels like way too much work. I really like looking for shit on youtube. I'll probably end up posting tons of videos, it's so easy to embed them. I know that TONS of people disagree...i dont know why. but Neyo is seriously the sexiest human ever. Even if you dont care for the songs, he's incredible to watch. maybe it's just me ( a look at some pics I found ) (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 22nd, 2007
2:29 pm	this is stuff I like.... hahahaha I'd rather date a spider. ( more here ( kid with fro) ) (Comment on this)
Friday, September 21st, 2007
8:00 pm	well, since very few read this..and maybe others do, but I will never know. I am going to get a bit personal. I went to Family planning today, finally... my body has been stressed and so messed up. No more praying that im not impregnated. No more spending shitloads of money on first response. First off...they tricked me. They told me I could pick to get this depo shot in either...my arm, my ass, or my stomach. So of course, I was prepared for the arm. then she told me to take my pants off....and I started sweating bullets.. but she stuck it in my stomach, and I hated it. but iam fully protected for 3 months. yipppppeeeee!!!!!!! I am finally on something at the age of 24. Im still really scared. I guess this isnt a bad thing but I've never wanted to put chemicals or anything strange in my body. for some reason though, I thought my relationship status might end up eventaully going somewhere and I'd need this...but low and behold, now im just filled with baby killing chemicals. the end. if there is one thing I wouldnt want anyone to witness is me talking to my pets. I realized tonight that I say some pretty weird things to them. I let them know im coming by sing screaming their names down the steps..so that every one of them is just dying to get to me. except the cat...( who i picked up and danced with, and she meowed so noisely) it came into my mind how weird iam when i was pinching raleigh playfully then scratching here yelling " snatch it..then scratch it" My annoying voices and phrases go on with them for hours. no one is home right now. I made myself tortellini with parm cheese and garlic, with bbq tofu. it was really good. I rented the movies taxi driver, alpha dog, and we are marshall. I am going to go watch the last one. Current Music: MOGWAI (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
8:33 pm	I hate that you can have so much in common with someone that hurts you, and you dont want to think about them.. so you end up hating yourself. wtf now...i dont even want to listen to my record collection. and taxi driver is ruined for me. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 26th, 2007
2:47 am	SUPERMAN THAT HO (Comment on this)
Friday, August 24th, 2007
11:24 pm	I want beans. I am thinking about pianists who have lost their hands. I am alone but not very lonely. I'd like something refreshing, maybe like a mojito, and then I want to drift off to that place where you're drunk and content without even a inkling of being sick. I like the smell of moldy basements and bengay...separately. I think about love, I think about having children, mostly I think about records spinning and soapy smelling boyish biceps that are warm. how long has it been since I've had a meaning conversation, read a book that moved me, or smoked some pot ? The feel of having to piss but not wanting to move. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 14th, 2007
12:52 am	I stuffed a slice of cheese in my mouth, thought I felt lonely and missed the person that I usually miss. dialed the number..( against my better judgment) I heard the voice, but was sick of it within minutes. Snapped the phone shut, then gave it the finger. When will I experience passion ? (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 9th, 2007
12:44 am	I had a blast tonight! Wendi picked me up at work and we went to this show at the Sterling Hotel/Motel in Allentown. I knew I wouldnt like the band, but that was ok....and it was.. I also ended up running into Aaron and Joe, and Aaron's band played, I did like them. I drank some whiskey sours and got tipsy, so then I danced...met a whole bunch of funny older men who were the dads to the kids in the band. That was nice, but I've never seen anything so silly in my life. Seriously...trust me....this was way beyond your most scene platform creeper stars and cheetah print nightmares. It was hot.... We left., and I had a good time learning more about Wendi on the ride home, fascinating person. She is going to teach me how to dance zydeco (sp) amd jitterbug and we might be going to Baltimore to see some zydeco bands play on sunday...what a musical treat. I am really excited. I have my fingers crossed. I feel really really great. Fuck the girl with the big hands and the repeatitive lyrics. fuck what is apparently cool and creative fuck suitcases Fuck feeling below everything and trying hard. fuck goosebumps and tingles everyday is going to feel like today somehow. Current Music: Buck Jam Tonic (Comment on this)
Monday, August 6th, 2007
11:13 pm	Tonight was very awesome, yet pretty scary. When I got home, dad asked me if I wanted to take the kayaks on the river for about an hour ride. It sounded good so I said yea. it was about 8:00 and still pretty light. well, it got dark super fast. I could hardley see him in front of me..also these huge fish were jumping out of the water. One fish jumped the whole length of my kayak. We figured it would be kind of dark but we would have moonlight....HAH no moonlight whatsoever. there was this one fish I swear that was the size of a whale, jumped and made a huge splash, it even scared the crap out of my dad. There were a lot of bats out... and then the train went right by us...which actually made the river vibrate, but the light beams coming off the front on to the river were amazing. I got really scared when we were almost home, my kayak bottomed out on a jagged rock and no matter how much I wiggled I could not come loose. Dad had to come to me and puch me off, which is scary because it can get a little tipsy. We did make it though, and it was quite an adventure. I cant even describe it in words. (Comment on this)
6:04 pm	Today was pretty crappy, but the experience I gained was well worth the long drive. I Believe I just found the courage to finally change my life. I am well aware that I have loved someone for real, and I am pretty happy with that. Just to be picky... heres a funny scenario.. person 1, is dead tired. the time is 3:00 they have someplace to be at 3:30 and another place at 4:00- until late.. how does this person overcome intense tiredness by taking a nap and get to a computer to check myspace in half an hour ? it sure is a bitch. (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 4th, 2007
11:33 pm	I don't feel like crap anymore, but I really am stupid for thinking things would go differently tonight. what a waste. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 1st, 2007
11:00 pm	the past few days have gone pretty well. Right now I am just sitting here without a care, drinking some hot tea. I've been going to bed early, this is actually a little late for me right now. My energy has been gone from doing s much. I've changed my diet significantly, going from a vegetarian diet of whatever there is, good or bad as long as it doesn't include meat....to a vegan diet with high fiber and protein. I hope this works for me. about 2 nights ago I made stuffed green peppers, filled with brown rice,black bean, and salsa. It was damn good...except next time I think I might substitute the rice for plain corn or mexicorn. It got to be a little heavy and starchy. While Kayaking on Sunday, we came across a couple on the river also in kayaks and said hello. They were Pat and Max..and they actually turned out to be a very athletic vegan couple ( who would have ever thought) they are around my dads age and amazingly nice. She suggested we get together to do things, and exchange recipes. well...to my surprise, the rode their bikes to my house the next day, I was at work, but they dropped me off a homemade vegan supper. It was chili made with portabella mushroom and a bean salad with onion,vinegar,bean, and that couscous (sp) stuff I never had before ( spelled like it sounded) my god, her cooking is amazing. I called her up to thank her, I hope we get together soon...In august they are doing a kayak trip from somewhere in NY to home. We all might go. I've also worked out on my gazelle 2 nights in a row, for 20 min each setting and burned off about 200 calories. I actually like to sweat. So I had my appt. at family planning...very nice and informative. I was tested on fondling a fake boobie and finding the lumps in it. They spent a lot of time talking to me, and the price was great. They doctor wasn't as gentle as my previous, but hey whatever. I've decided to use the Depo shot, so I cant wait until next month to go get it, it's so amazing that I am totally blocked from baby making within 24 hours, and it lasts for 3 months..i am sure you all know this...but I am in awe...I hope getting the shot doesn't hurt too much. i am off to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz take time to watch these. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 28th, 2007
1:21 am	I have work in a few hours. I am still up, completely bothered...almost tortured feeling. I am confused. I've been sobbing yet again, night time is so awful. I am not going to be fooled by my day time optimism anymore. In this case, looking on the bright side is just ignoring the truth and looking for positives to bypass the negatives. I surely am taking a long break from this girl crazy guy that I've left invade every fucking crevice of my mind. It's hard to think about sometime all of the time and know that they are possible of feeling things that you dont make them feel, and a chance encounter with a good looking stranger can send the same sparks you've been hoping to impact on them straight through their body. Maybe I am a little too dramatic. true or not, I recognize the symptoms of comfortable and bored...the hold you can have over someone when they truly like you is remarkable. I can not and will not talk for a long time, it's way easier to go on feeling lonely and steady instead of leaps of highs and lows. and trust me, the highs are not worth it, they make the lows feel even lower. This is exactly where I draw the line...and right now I am saying for just awhile...but why not for a long time ? why not forever..maybe a week goes by and then a month..then it's smooth sailing. I dont need to try so hard anymore, let other people recognize if they've made a mistake or not..maybe it will be nice..maybe by some passing time it will be too late, but that's really not my problem. Fuck being scared, and holding on to people that make me feel bad because my plans will change without them around, there's plenty of human beings to meet and if all else fails there's always just me, and that pulled me through everything so far. I felt really accomplished with my work today, I like that my name is getting out there. I like the complexity of being a grown up, and going back to my childhood ways whenever I feel like it. I like dressing up on weekdays and grudging it up on the weekends not giving a fuck, living out both lifestyles. It makes me smile thinking about how happy I was on the way home today dressed in all white..( and I did look pretty amazing) after accomplishing a very tough and fulfilling day singing and snapping my fingers in the car to Marvin Gaye songs. Beautiful. Now Iam a wreck, with huge hair...a revealing nightie that no one will see, and puffy eyes. and still I think it's pretty beautiful. now I can sleep with no regrets. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 26th, 2007
9:56 pm	Writer's Block: Bump In The Night What are you afraid of? this is a good question, since I can't seem to stop blogging lately. I am afraid of: spiders bats rapists getting chased by a wild animal having an ordinary love bloody knees never getting to see the things I want to see. death I feel better after my morning bitch session. I came home and got on my bike, that really makes me smile. There were a ton of bats tonight, swooping all around me, it made me feel icky. We have a really shitty president, but I got to thinking about what kind of country we live in when all you have to bitch about is people taking your stuff and boy problems. Things aren't so bad, I am a sensitive perfectionist. I am afraid the things I want to happen will not come true, if I dont fight or strive for them, which sometimes means being a nag. seriously, I always want more....but the guy I am into right now, calls me often and makes me smile. I really should just go with it. My ways are going to ruin it for me. I know theres nothing fun about a nag. I am just not used to people listening to me unless I make them. I made a call for family planning this morning. Finally...birth control..I hope. I stressed out about being pregnant so much that nothing happened for 2 months, and I went through 4 tests. I wont get into it here, because although all you girlfriends will find it hilarious, I dont know who else reads this....but the things they ask and tell you to do are so funny. I asked the woman to repeat herself a few times on the phone, because I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. I found some Siege videos on youtube. cool huh ? watch these (Comment on this)
10:09 am	I am already writing a new blog, but I feel so defeated already today. Not one person takes me seriously. I am trying to save money and I am ass broke. my family told me they weren't buying me vegetarian food, they weren't going to spend extra because I wont eat what everyone else eats. so..I've learned to bust my ass and make a daily trip to the supermarket so I dont spend too much at one time..and I had a thing of blueberries in there I was taking to work today since it was my long day. My little step brother ate half of them while my step mom helped him make them in a shake. it's so fucking evident she didnt buy them. so I have 5 bucks to my name, I need gas and someone ate half my fucking lunch before the day started. They are constantly eating my food, using my hair products, straight up taking things away from me. I cant move out because I cant afford it right now. Yet I am supposed to smile and not hate these people. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
10:44 pm	I haven't felt like writing here for a long time, I don't know why. I haven't been on my bike in a long time. Patti and I went shopping on Monday. I found some real cool things at the thrift store. We decided to check out little shops around wilkes-barre and Scranton. We found this one store called "Schooze" ....holy shit. The clothes in there were very very nice. But there wasn't an article in there under 200 bucks. What a hidden place. The people there didn't ask us if we needed help, in fact, one lady even followed us to to the back all sly like checking to see if we were going to steal anything. pretty lame. Watched a man vs wild marathon...damn, that guy is cool. Phil thinks I ate chicken, but I didn't..I just tried the sauce. Gross. I have a toothache. I need to go to Family planning. I need a nice stable relationship. everyone at work gets deliveries....I want flowers goddamn it. I want something that feels 100% not 70% On a good note, I picked up the new Reader's Digest today. I love that magazine. The young cashier at the grocery store told me I looked pretty today. I've eaten nothing but so called healthy food, but I am already getting burnt out on what is supposed to be good and what is not good. I'd like to be able to learn to read labels correctly and know this shit. apparently food cant be enjoyable, it has to be about raw veggies and broth. I am lost. best news..my brows are shaped amazing. Iam allowed to talk about shallow bullshit also. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 9th, 2007
8:08 pm	Bike Ride today was grueling, I biked about 25 miles from shickshinny to Berwick. The temp was about 97. I wore pants. what was I thinking ? (1 Comment |Comment on this)